random saturday thoughts

I just finished re-bandaging my adopted grandpa's arm where he tore it open a few days ago. If there is something sharp somewhere, this guy will find it and cut himself on it. This last one is pretty bad. Mom almost threw up when she first saw it. Thankfully I have a stomach for most blood and guts. The EMT training in my youth certainly helps in these situations. He is certainly a great patient.

This adopted grandpa is 91 and quickly aproaching his 92nd. He was mom's neighbor in Idaho and he introduced us to some people over here in Adrian before we moved. He comes out 2-5 times a week to work in the workshop out back. Anything to kill the day. He brought all his tools and makes birdhouses and anything I can draw 3-d for him. I only wish I had the energy this guy has. As for a Reno connection, he grew up with John Ascuaga here in the Treasure Valley and calls him Johnny. He is so incredibly generous. Ray Seiber, love this guy. He might not make it to that birthday, I think he's getting ready to meet his late wife Lucy on the other side. I want the whole world to know how much I love and appreciate him.

Forgiveness

I guess it's supposed to start with ourselves. Forgive yourself and be forgiven, just like love yourself before anyone else can. Whatever. The words are coming too fast to type and my articulation is suffering. ok.

Extending the olive branch was not a hard thing to do. It did take some time to finally do it. Waiting for a reply is going to be agony. Or I can just let it go. But I won't. I want to be heard. I want to be forgiven. I want to mend some fences and get on with living. There are still some people I wish to forgive, but their lies and bad behaviour damaged me so thoroughly that it's going to take some time.

Why didn't someone stick me in therapy sooner? I got myself there, but for christ's sake, everyone knew I was a basket case and needed some sort of help. The really sad thing is most of those closest to me didn't even care to find out why I was so unbalanced and onery. So I forgive them.

Peace will be all about me one day. A little at a time. I once thought there would be no way on earth that these relationships could ever be reconciled. Now, for the first time I have hope that my love will shine through and create an opening for a second chance. My intention was never to hurt anyone, I just wanted to be heard and I wanted someone to protect me from the harm that found me.

Hypnosis and Healing

For a week or so now I have been listening to some hypnosis cds. Noticing a change in my energy levels and concentration. I am able to do one task now without thinking about the ten other things to do. I used to put off chores because I wanted to paint, and if I didn't paint I would feel even more guilt for not doing either. So, now I am doing both the chores and the creating and it feels good.

I still have to deal with chronic pain and the stigma of being on disability at such a young age. But right now for the first time since the whole thing started 10 years ago, I see myself getting better physically and mentally, not just wishing but knowing. I am still starting over, changing every day and it doesn't feel so bad any more. I can actually see a future where I no longer need the assistance. Huge change in thinking and feeling. Therapy once a week is good and all, but hypnosis is freakin' great.

Premonition.

The other night I had a premonition seconds before the actual thing happened. It was such a strange feeling, and I knew I had to pay attention to what might be in store for me. It was on a personal level and I don't know if I extracted enough information for my questioning mind. I want to know why and how?